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Prologue

I’ve never killed anyone. I’ve thought about it, of course, we all have. But the thrill is not what I expected. As I worked out the details and fleshed out the plan, my excitement built. Now, standing over my victim with a baseball bat, I feel it much more than I could have imagined. I’m almost giddy.

Once I had the planning complete, Devin made the rest so easy for me. Sicily described him as a sloppy drunk, and she wasn’t kidding. He was at his usual spot on the beach and in extra special form today. Drunk off his ass and not even noon. Hell, it might be a continuation of yesterday’s drunk. Who knows? I imagine he thought of himself as a beach bum, he did live in Florida after all, but he looked more bum than beach.

After a friendly hello, all I had to do was offer him a fresh beer, and he downed it without hesitation. What a douche! There was enough drug in it to put him down for hours.

“We’re going to need more beer,” I said and lead him to the car; like luring kids with candy. I should be arrested.

In her discussions, Sicily spent a lot of time on how to find the perfect location. It is the most critical part of a plan, she said. But it turns out that Google does know everything, making it easy. Online satellite images helped me locate the perfect cabin.

Requirement #1 – Old shack built out over the swamp. Check!

Requirement #2 – On rarely used back road of another back road. Check!

She couldn’t have described it better; this place has been unused for years. Even the discarded beer cans and trash are old. Once I finish with Devin, I only have to push the body off into the water and walk away.

Honestly, the hardest part was getting him out of the damn car. He’s a big boy, and dragging his unconscious body into the shack was harder than I expected. I really should have rented the SUV and backed it right up to the door. Lesson learned.

The main room of the cabin is bare except for Devin, inert in the middle of the floor. His hands are tied behind his back, but legs free, as per the plan. A chair to prop him in would have been handy, but watching him writhe on the floor will be just as good.

I’m shaking and sweating in rivers. My heart pounding in my chest. And yet I’m smiling and fearless. The nervousness and fear I expected have vanished. The swamp air is hot and moist, but it seems fitting.

I’m about to kill someone! Holy Shit!

I pace while I wait for Devin to wake, breathing deep to calm my heart. I hope I didn’t give him too much of the drug. An overdose is not the death this ditwad deserves. The bugs circle and buzz in a growing cloud. The message must have gotten out. Fresh meat! I swat at them angrily as they start to get vicious. I’m getting impatient.

Finally, my victim groans and begins to squirm. I take another shaky breath and heft the baseball bat to poke at him. He had to be awake for this part.

It’s time to start.

[Let me know what you think in the comments.]

 

 

In the last month, I’ve had to replace two laptops, a CADmouse, and Bluetooth earbuds. I find that technology is being more of a hindrance than a help lately. I can write on any-old-thing: a grocery receipt, the back of my hand, etc. But I can’t publish or post anything without the technology that is failing me.

My wife has been working from home for the last month and relies heavily on her laptop. She works in customer service and is essentially hogtied without it. Around 10am Monday morning, it decided to go tits-up and would only show the Blue Screen Of Death. She called me at work (cause I’m still working a day job) frantic because she was in the middle of a busy morning and was completely offline. Luckily my laptop was available and practically new. – Yeah, she got to touch my stuff!

I am pretty good with computers, but a computer with a dead harddrive doesn’t really have a fix – it’s a ‘replace’ situation. Our options were to either replace the drive or replace the computer. We went with the new computer. At $499 they’re cheaper than a good set of tires. Which, I found, rather eye-opening for two reasons.

  1. I remember paying $2000 for a laptop that was a Model T compared to this thing and cost more than my car at the time.
  2. I remember when $499 would have made me choke. Now, it barely gets a ‘meh’.

Times change, technology changes, and the value of things changes. But I am only slowly catching up. I’ve got more money than I’ve ever had in my life and the things that used to be expensive and impressive have become mundane commodities. I used to drool over ads in PC Magazine and Computer Shopper for PC’s capable of doing CAD drawing and music recording. Now you can do all of it on your phone. I even worked at Gateway Computers for a short time and remember when 60megabyte harddrives were the size of small carry-on luggage.

Now I’ve only succeeded in making myself sound old and crotchety. I think this is what growing up feels like once you realize you’re there, when in reality, it is already miles behind you.

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The weather here in St Louis has been cool and sunny. Perfect for DESTROYING… I mean remodeling a yard.  My wife is still working from home and it is beginning to wear on both of us. (I go to work daily to get away from her.) She is taking her frustration on our back lawn. Weekend #2 is coming up, so I’m sure there will be some significant activity.

During the week we work on it in the evening. I have sprayed chemical death on everything living and it is all turning brown. I’m assuming that is a good sign. We also decided to dig up the sawtooth leaf thing on the side of the yard.

Can you tell I’m not a plant guy? I have NO IDEA what these things are called. They all have leaves, a stem, maybe flower…plants, right?

Anyway, we dug up the hideous sharp leaved plants that were there when we moved in. The roots went deep, so I had to dig up the yard a bit. I expect to see them again. Nothing with roots like that dies easily!

Now, while we wait for everything to finish dying, we’ve decided to redo that path also. So, yesterday we dug up all the old bricks and trim. We even found some old path we didn’t know about hidden under an overgrowth of grass. Tonight, I’m researching how to install a bricked garden path. This should be interesting.

Please keep in mind that we are renting this property. I keep trying to explain that to the wife, but she must have what she wants. Because… Happy Wife, Happy Life.

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It has been beautiful here in St Louis and my wife is very much an outdoor person. She is currently working from home and going stir crazy. So, that means I get roped into going on walks, house hunting treks, and trips to Home Depot. On Saturday we went to buy a garden rake and came out with $400 worth of plants and planters and spreaders and hose and dirt in a bag and rocks in a bag and fertilizer and finally, a rake!

We have a little yard, merely a tarp-sized yard, really. But it has been populated by grass-like plants that are seemingly impossible to kill. We sprayed the yard with Kill-Everything juice last year and most of it just laughed us. This is back alley knife-wielding grass.

This year, my wife decided she wanted to till it up completely and start from scratch. Therefore, we rented a tiller and hired a neighbor to manhandle it. In the end,  the yard was tore up plenty, but I think the grass still won. It’s back there snickering at us now.

However, we did get a win out of it. Our master bedroom has a deck off of it that we use as a reading / sunroom area. It now has window boxes, a fern, some other flowery stem plant, and a palm, all nicely arrayed and pretty.

I am exhausted and ready to go back to work tomorrow. My wife is visibly more relaxed for having established her plant sanctuary. The yard is still laughing at me. I think a gallon of RoundUp is in its future. Yes, yes… its the evil Monsanto Monster Juice, but sometimes drastic situations demand drastic actions.

Die, Evil Grass-like weed, Die!!